A Long Month and 4 New Pages

Sorry I’ve been away – a few things that needed sorting. However, to make up for my lax month I’ve had a very busy week and so bring you 4 new pages for your enjoyment and perusal. They are all quite interesting and pertinent, I think, so I’ve made them ‘real pages’, but just thought I should draw your attention to them in a post to make sure they’re not lost in the mists of time!

I think the titles are relatively self-explanatory:

Encouraging Anal Sex

Is My Girlfriend Submissive?

The Coercion/Rape Spectrum

The Problem With Porn

Posted in Advice, Pontifiction, Rants | Leave a comment

The problem with threesomes

Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper in the Iron Man film.

This article isn’t about Iron Man 3, really. Imagine if some google search for that brought someone here! Unexpected. Hi!

You’re at the cinema and you overhear this conversation in the foyer:

“Oh yes, let’s go see ‘Iron Man 3’ – the special effects look amazing and I’ve really got a crush on Ms Paltrow. She’s so sweetly pretty.”

“No way – that looks shit. I want to go see ‘Side Effects,’ the tale of a mentally ill woman who is treated by Jude Law and will almost certainly fall in love with someone in a bitter-sweet way.”

(Disclaimer – I’ve seen and know nothing of either of these films. I’m working from posters, here…)

“Oh, but darling, Robert Downey Junior is my hero. And besides, if you come with me to watch that I promise to give you a blow job during the boring bit where they try to make some sort of point about the power of corporate America or whatever.”

“Fair enough.”

Excellent. A compromise has been reached. This or similar conversations have probably occurred several times before and both players know the rules and how to reach a mutually satisfactory outcome.

Now imagine this exciting scenario – there’s a third person present. Who the other two don’t necessarily know so well. This is what happens if everyone tries to be polite:

“Iron Man 3”

“Side Effects”

“The Big Wedding”

“…” “…” “…”

“How about we go get something to eat instead?”

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

Oh, the horror. Zero satisfaction from all involved, and not a blow job in sight. And now, to finish this, the possibly most belaboured metaphor in the history of blogging, this is what happens if someone takes control:

Skier carving a turn off piste

One pole, other pole. One pole, other pole. Repeat until you get a face full of white stuff. God I’m a child.

“Shut up, bitches – you’re both coming to Iron Man 3 and I’ll ‘go skiing‘ during the boring bits.”

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem with threesomes. But it also presents an opportunity. I shall elucidate, and I promise no more metaphors in this post. Promise.

Before you have a threesome you need to be honest with yourself, and, if you’re considering this as a couple, with each other. Now obviously there are all the problems of jealousy, etc. but I’m assuming you’ve already discussed these. The real problem is that somebody is going to have to be in charge, and you need to know in advance – have you got what it takes?

If you’re a guy and you happen upon that holy grail of male fantasies – two drunk girls who want to bed you simultaneously, they are 90% (made up but probably mostly accurate statistic) of the time going to expect you to lead matters. You might get lucky and bump into two off-duty dominatrices who will tie you up and torture you in the most exquisite manner, but the overwhelming majority of the time it’s going to be two women who are in the mood for experimenting and don’t have any more of a clue than you do.

And the same applies for all other gender combinations as well. If you’re planning on having one, you at least have to be prepared to take control in case no one else does.

So, some helpful advice on what to do if you do find yourself leading your own little mini-orgy (and this does scale up, kind of. But more than 4 people and you start to run out of useful appendages.)

Threesome

Threesomes are nearly never like this. Firstly, they’re usually indoors. Secondly, everyone usually looks a lot less sure of themselves. Thirdly there’s usually much more… fluid. I don’t know. It just seems stickier than that.

Focus entirely on the other two people. Don’t worry about yourself at all. Seriously. If you get through this whole thing without removing an item of clothing and your genitals remain entirely un-manipulated then this is much better than if you’re naked, sweating and spent and the other two are still fully clothed. If you can encourage your partners that this is a fun game that they are going to enjoy, not only are they going to get more aroused in this first instance, they are also likely to think it’s something that they might want to do again in the future. Imagine – unlimited threesome. Pretty tempting? Worth some self-control to achieve? I’d say so.

And this extends to directing proceedings as well. Don’t let your fantasies get in the way. Sure, be aware of them and draw on them for inspiration, but avoid forcing them at all costs. You want to see your boyfriend bummed by another guy? Fine, but are either of them openly bisexual? Do you really think that’s going to happen the first time you do this? Maybe, but you’re being hopeful… play the long game. Let this unfold over several sessions if possible. It’s all about pushing boundaries without overstepping the mark. Do you really think your two lady companions are going to be up for ATM? Are you really in a porn film? No. Sure – maybe even go for some anal if that looks likely, but ATM on a first date? You’re much more likely to achieve that in the future if you don’t go shooting for it right now. Long game, baby. Long game.

On the other hand – their fantasies are paramount. Your girlfriend has always wanted to be spit-roast? Make it happen. Encourage her. Encourage him. He may feel nervous about moving in on ‘your woman.’ Direct her towards his cock. Give her a big knowing smile. Even use words if necessary – “Oh hey Dave – do you want to shuffle round a bit to make it a bit easier for her to get at your cock.” You are the conductor in a big sexy orchestra. Your boyfriend’s always wanted to watch you lick out a woman? Sure, pucker up and get in there, but make it easily visible for him. Make it like the porn that he’s got in his head. Make sure he can see your tongue get right up inside her. Be vocal with your enjoyment, too!

Monopoly

When I say long game, I mean it.

A little aside – I once had a threesome that lasted 5 days. It was amazing. Not 5 days solidly, of course, but we were all staying in a room together and every evening we’d go to the pub and then come home and have sex. It started as ‘spin the bottle’ but by the end of the time together everyone was very comfortable with each other and it was basically a free for all. I remember it very fondly. And I truly believe that if we’d started out going full throttle one of us would have freaked out, but because we took it slow, by the end we all fully had our freak on. Now your five days may not be all at once, but imagine if you had that sort of opportunity to explore and play. That’s what I mean by the long game.

And here’s the double win moment! Even if you go for the long game and it turns out that you only had that one opportunity with that particular combination of people, every session gives you experience. Valuable experience. Quick poll – hands up if you fantasise about having a threesome. OK, now lower your hand if you’ve had one. See – look at all those hands still raised! People want to do this but don’t really know how to go about making it happen. Once you’ve done it, even if only once, you have a significantly improved chance of making it happen again. And each time you will get more confident in leading the game, and each time you will get better at handling two people simultaneously, judging their moods, thinking about their needs, making it better for them, until… they’re so fucking horny they ravage the living shit out of you.

Kama Sutra Illustration

Yeah, alright Dave. Yeah, try to get your leg… like, up to the side, there. No, the other side. Alright, Kate, can you…. like, bend a bit. No – to your right. Alright. I’m gonna… um. No. Wait a sec. Shit I’m going soft. Where’s the Viagra?

So, to conclude. Don’t just think you can get in there and fun times will automatically ensue – someone is going to have to make them ensue, and this will require confidence that will build through experience. But once you’ve got that experience it will show and that will improve any future chances significantly. And that’s when the good time really start to roll.

Posted in Pontifiction | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

He won’t dominate me

Given the relative youth of this blog, I was quite surprised to find I’d actually received a question. Well. That’s not actually entirely true. A friend in real life asked me this question, but she said she didn’t mind me putting it on the blog. Well, that’s also not actually entirely true. But I’m sure she would have had I asked, but given this is meant to be anonymous I couldn’t ask because she doesn’t know I write a blog (and I’m not going to tell…) so it’s just going up anyway because it’s such a good problem. Don’t judge me! Or her…

Problem: I have recently started to have an affair with a married man twenty years older than me and I’m pretty sure he’s only ever had sex with his wife (of 30 years or so) with who he seems to have got into a bit of a habit. The problem is that she is very much of the ‘girls-on-top’ school and he seems to have grown used to this, however I much prefer to be underneath and want to feel him on top of me and I’m also not really that confident of my ‘on top’ style. More than this, I’m actually quite submissive and would like him to dominate me a bit more in general. I’m not in this relationship to break him up from his wife, in fact really quite the opposite – I would prefer that this remained mostly sexual because I fancy him like crazy but aren’t looking for anything deeper and I think he feels the same. It’s just that at the moment the sex isn’t really doing it for me so I question what the point of it all is! Can you advise on how I might persuade him to be a bit more dominant?

English: Female Gorilla, Gorilla gorilla in SF zoo

Silly Useful! That’s a gorilla! If we were more gorilla then I can assure you there wouldn’t be any trouble with your man asserting his sexual dominance. There might be some trouble with walking ever again, but hey…

Analysis: This question is interesting for several reasons, I think. If your man were in his 20s or a bit more experienced I wouldn’t hesitate in just saying you should tell him what you want. However, a guy who’s been doing the same thing with one person for 30 years might find that a bit intimidating, so I think we’re going to have to be a more guerilla!

Secondly there’s the question of whether it’s possible to be actively submissive. It seems a bit of a contradiction to start with, but hopefully in the next few paragraphs I can give you some pointers on how you might be able to get your own kicks and encourage him to take charge a bit more. How far you can push it, however, is probably down to what his personal limits are. You never know – he may be a closet dominant just waiting to have it brought out of him…

The main positive that we can latch on to is the fact that he is actually having this affair in the first place. Despite your numerous personal charms there is undoubtedly an element of him having some sort of mid-life crisis and this indicates a bit of boredom with his day-to-day routine. This suggests he is probably up for some sexual experimentation deviating from his norm but he probably isn’t that confident about initiating it owing to his lack of experience. So you’re going to have to do it. On the plus side men are generally pre-programmed to fuck, so if you get yourself into a position where he’s feeling horny and dominant his natural inclination will hopefully take over.

Pornographic photography in 1910s

Porn has always been formulaic. In the 20s – put on sheet, staple napkin to head, find a conductor’s baton and twiddle it in your mate’s pussy while she looks for her cell-phone which she’s sure must have dropped behind the sofa.

Time to make an assumption: He has probably watched porn. This is excellent news and will make your life a lot easier. Modern porn has, as I have discussed before, a problem. The problem being that men are taught thoroughly by society that what you see in porn is pure fantasy and that you should never every consider doing any of it to a real girl. The other side of this is the fact that some girls are watching it and thinking that actually it might be quite nice to occasionally be treated like that and you are one of those girls. On the other hand porn also has an advantage – it is mind-numbingly repetitive. And because of this there is a narrative built up in the mind of most habitual porn-watchers of which we can hopefully take advantage – strip, oral, vaginal, anal, cumshot.

Solution: First – dress slutty. I know it sounds obvious but nothing encourages dominance like advertising your availability. Nice underwear – scratch that – no underwear, stockings, short skirt and a bit of make-up never goes amiss. That sort of thing. You don’t want to look like an idiot, but if in doubt, go with less subtle.

GeorgeFriou

This is what a sitting-down man looks like. Hopefully yours won’t look quite as nervous. If he does, maybe you should shut the curtains. Perhaps his neighbours will see. Top tip – letting his neighbours see you giving the man with whom you’re having an affair a sexy dance and blow-job MAY compromise the secrecy of your relationship.

Second – get him sitting down on a chair or the side of the bed. This is hopefully the most forceful you’ll ever have to be for the rest of your relationship, so push him down if necessary and just generally steer him into position.

Third – Be sexy. I don’t know what you feel comfortable doing, here, so this is just a general idea. If you feel good giving him a lap dance, do so. If you want to show him your lack of underwear, do that. Turn round, show him your ass, play with yourself or if you’re not really that comfortable doing any of that, just give him a sexy smile and hold his gaze. This needn’t last long, but I think it’s important. You are trying to give him a visual image that he can keep in his mind that permits him to think of you as a sexual object as well as a person so try to make sure he can see most of your body in one glance.

Fourth – Get on your knees, get him hard, and suck his cock. As I said, we’re not going for subtle here. Make it as naughty as seems reasonable, by which I mean watch him, and watch carefully how he reacts. He may not initially enjoy doing anything he thinks is making you uncomfortable, so don’t just start gagging yourself straight away since this may actually concern him out of his arousal. On the other hand if you ‘accidentally’ take his cock a bit too far and this doesn’t seem to concern him, try it again. And keep pushing this boundary as far as you can. Again you’re showing yourself to be something that he can play with and enjoy.

So that’s steps 1-4. The first time you try them, unless you’re getting some seriously good vibes that he’s catching on to the game, you’ll probably just want to reward him by getting on top of him and doing your thing or having him come in your mouth.

Bully

This is Jeremy. His girlfriend has just run to the bathroom gagging on his come and pulling a face. He can now hear her washing her teeth. She obviously loves him a lot to put herself through such discomfort, so why does he feel so empty? Why?

(Two quick points on the above. First your lack of confidence in your ‘on-top’ style. Are you trying to actually mimic the penetration of doggy style? Unless you regularly ride horses this will not work! Instead of thinking ‘in-out-in-out’ try to imagine it’s more of a grinding technique. So sit firmly on him and then move your hips back and forth. You’ll be able to keep this up much longer and it leads to much better penetration. If you want him to come from oral, bear in mind it may be a bit much to get his come all over your face or show it to him in your mouth [in case you were thinking about that sort of thing] the first few times! If you’re happy with swallowing just do so while looking him square in the eyes and if you’re not, try to dispose of it without looking like it disgusts you – men really are sensitive about having someone just run off to the bathroom to dispose of their ‘deposit’ with accompanied spitting noises. I don’t know why, they just are.)

Just because he’s beginning to get the idea of seeing you as something other than a goddess, it doesn’t mean that he suddenly has the confidence to completely take over. After all, you’re still the one directing proceedings. So once you’ve got through the mental barrier of de-goddessing by repeating steps 1-4 over a few sessions (with variations if possible – location, clothes, maybe get more naughty in the ‘pre-show’, etc) then you need to get him to start to take hold of the situation. If you like anal sex this might be even easier but the following theory holds in all situations – get yourself into a doggy style position with your shoulders low and start playing with your pussy. Make sure it’s easy for him to see what you’re doing, and that it’s clear to him that you’re doing it for his viewing pleasure. If you like anal you could combine this with playing with your ass as well. At first just stroke your finger over your asshole so as not so freak him out if it’s not his bag, but I would bet 10-1 that he’ll like it – watch him and go with your instinct – in which case start to slowly build it up!

Porn star Harmony Rose at the 2006 Erotica Los...

This woman is a professional porn-star. It is not a coincidence that she is keeping her body low to the bed.

Either way, finger your hole(s) maintaining this position and when it looks like he’s about to explode murmur something sexy like “Please won’t you fuck it?” (referring to whatever hole you’re playing with.) Don’t make any move to change position, and I guarantee he’ll get himself into a position to fuck you. And in this position he can’t help but take control. Keep your shoulders low and flat on the bed/floor/whatever if possible (that generally looks more submissive and you’re still trying to encourage him here) and make noises about how good it is. Try to keep it focussed on his pleasure as well, so try to use more phrases like “I love you fucking my pussy/ass” and “Oh yeah, fuck me like a whore.” Strongly encourage any movements he makes towards dominance. For instance if he even attempts to slap your ass a bit, you should yelp like you’re about to come. Tell him it feels good. If you’re feeling confident that it’s all going well you could even request it, politely. Remember to keep the submission in your attitude. If you’re not quite up to asking he’ll almost certainly grab your ass-cheeks or some other part of your body at some point, so reward confident pressure and anything that turns you on, basically. The harder he holds you, the more you moan – “Yeah, baby – squeeze my ass! Oh yeah, harder!” You see the process…

Bits Between - by:Larm 2013

Now these guys are guilty of letting themselves go a bit too much. However they probably do not require ‘lighter language’ to reassure them.

Hopefully after a bit of this, he’ll come. When he does tell him how much you enjoyed it and how it felt so good. Keep the language a bit more light, now – he’s come so may not feel as dominant and sexy as he did 2 minutes ago. But make sure he realises how much you enjoyed it. He may feel a little guilty for ‘letting himself go’ and being more ‘animal’ than he thinks is socially acceptable so make sure you reinforce his confidence by telling him how good it was.

As for your own pleasure, that very much depends on your personal response. If you’re going to come just from being fucked and that’s all you need then it doesn’t really need much discussion. At the other end of the spectrum if you need very specific actions from him that’s a whole different discussion for another day. In all cases, though, try to make it clear that while he can use and abuse you, you do have your own sexual needs and that you would like them satisfied. [For any readers with this problem, specific circumstances will be addressed on request!]

English: Houseflies Musca domestica mating. Pi...

Almost as erotic as 50 Shades of Grey but without the witty dialogue. Oh my.

After a few sessions like this you could probably suggest he ties you up – corny as it sounds you could mention 50 Shades of Grey – “Oh, I was reading it and there was this really sexy bit where he ties her up with his tie. It really turned me on.” Have an idea for how you would like to be tied up! Remember that he may not have ever really thought about this before, so if he asks you what you were thinking, make sure you have an answer ready. But not too ready… “Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps you could tie my wrists together to that headboard like this…” or whatever.

But I think you’ll find that by this point he’ll start to have his own ideas, and once he realises what an opportunity he has for extra-marital kinkiness, I think you might actually find that you’ve unleashed a beast.

I hope so!

Posted in Advice | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A whore in the bedroom…

(Edit: A lot of people seem to be coming to this post through Google and judging by the search terms they look like they’re more interested in actual advice on encouraging dominance and/or submission in their partner. If that’s you, then by all means read this post [because it’s interesting!] but also try the following links:

Is My Girlfriend Submissive – gives advice on bringing out your girlfriend’s sub side

He Won’t Dominate Me – gives advice on bringing out your boyfriend’s dom side

Enjoy!)

Last night a female friend told me her attitude towards sex, and I quote (well, actually I was a bit drunk, but it was definitely along these lines):

“When I was about 13 I read how men want a whore in the bedroom and a mother the rest of the time. I realised I’m not really the mothering sort, but whore? I could manage that. So that’s really informed my attitude towards sex even to this day.”

Oral sex is one of the most common fantasies a...

Oral sex is one of the most common fantasies among men and women according to Wikipedia. WTF? Seriously? Where? In a monastery? We’ve got a long way to go, my faithful few…

She went on to tell me how she’s always enjoyed giving oral sex, being fucked hard, making lots of noise and generally depraving it up like a good’un. But I found myself getting angry. And ranty. And it took a little while to really put my finger on why.

Now, dear reader, I think I’ve got it and so will graciously pass it on to you.

You might expect a long rant about satisfaction being key and all this abnegation being unhealthy and self-defeating. I couldn’t believe this less. Fuck knows we’ve all got issues galore, and frankly that would just be sexism with a different name. If you had a guy who was all like ‘Oh – I only see myself as a mechanism by which women have the most amazing orgasms. I only exist to excite their mind with eroticism and then blow away their body with my epic fanny-fu’ the world would congratulate him on being such a modern man and give him a medal. Which would be exactly what he would want, since he’s expressing just the same insecurity in wanting to be a pleaser as my friend, except we’re using different langauge. That’s the terminology available to her to say that she’s a cockatrice of the first order.

Whore of Babylon

Call that a whore? That’s not a whore. THIS is a whore…

No. It’s the fact that this is the sort of useless advice that well-meaning aunts give their nieces when they’ve had a bit too much to drink at Christmas (although in this particular instance it’s been made particularly famous in a quote by Jerry Hall.) They usually haven’t had any kids themselves and so they feel they have a duty to pass some of their long life advice onto someone at some point. And why not. Just not this one, please, auntie. This attitude makes men out to be the most mind-numbingly simple creatures and it’s not out of charity that I defend their complexity here, it’s the fact that it’s the flip-side of the old ‘women are things to be won mainly using deceit’ attitude that men are often taught by well-meaning uncles. No. Men and women are both extremely complicated beings and if you think you can sum them up in a sentence (especially concerning their responses to a subject as complex as sex) you’re really going to come undone pretty early on in the proceedings.

And this is the problem. Sexual truisms. One line life mantras in general. I hate them for everything: religion being another obviously guilty party in this case. But when it comes to sex there are so many of them. They’re not necessarily famous (although I’d be surprised if you’d not heard the whore in the bedroom one) but uncles, aunts and the rest of society are all gagging to churn them out. In fact there are some twitter accounts that basically seem to have a library of them out of which I can only imagine they post one randomly on the hour every hour. If there’s anything better paid than a computer doing that job, someone’s wasting money.

So let’s break this particular one down just to make my point. The desire to please is normal and healthy, but the terminology of ‘whore’ does come with certain connotations. And one of these is submission. It is implicit to the real-life arrangement of whore and john that the john is paying for a service. Even when this service is to subjugate and beat them, the power still lies with the client. (And yes, we will of course discuss where the power actually lies in a non-transactional sub/dom relationship at a later stage.)

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

BAM! Right in her eye.

However this is not actually what the average man is comfortable with. Yes, he’d like his lover to deep throat him, yes he’d like her to moan and come like a train whenever his cock touches her pussy, but he doesn’t actually want to take responsibility for this stuff. For the most part he doesn’t know. Can he really just fuck her mouth? Surely she doesn’t really want that? Can he really call her a slut? Spit on her? Treat her like the girls in all the porn he’s watched? He’s a modern man – he realises the difference between fantasy and reality. He knows, as I’m sure the well-meaning world has drummed into him at every available opportunity, that you just don’t treat a woman like that! Not in real life!

Our girl on the other hand has watched all this porn and since it fits so nicely with her understanding of what it means to be a sexual being she then expects most of this herself. But he just doesn’t do it, and she’s unsure of just coming out and saying ‘Fuck me like a whore.’ In fact, he seems nervous. Less manly. Maybe he doesn’t enjoy it? Maybe he just wants to make sweet love? Maybe he’s gay…

Bully

Meet Jemima. She doesn’t know where it went wrong. Now they have sex once a week and she fantasises about things she could never tell him. Never. You’re not alone, Jemima. You’re not alone.

And the slow but inevitable upshot is that she is left feeling a little bit guilty and a lot bit unfulfilled. Maybe it’s something wrong with her. Maybe she’s not attractive enough. Maybe she’s not actually that good. Maybe she shouldn’t feel this way. Maybe she’s the weirdo and actually everyone else is normal and just having nice vanilla sex with the occasional bit of oral on birthdays and religious holidays.

Sorry to paint a bleak picture, so I want to point out that in our case the story has a for-the-moment happy ending. Our heroine has found a nice dominant man who is happy to treat her the way she likes to be treated, hopefully without descending into bullying (ANOTHER topic for another time) while also fulfilling most of her other relationship needs. (Nobody’s perfect, I suppose…) And I would also like to point out to any would be serial dominant guys out there that I am not suggesting that all women are closet submissives who want you to use them any which way you please.

What I am saying, however, is that on the basis of extremely innocuous statements, read or heard only once, entire sexual psychologies are based. And every psychology is a neurosis waiting to happen.

So please, auntie, next time you want to be helpful, please avoid giving your advice in a single pithy sentence. That’s what twitter’s for.

Posted in Rants | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Unreliable Erection

So while I’ve got the momentum, here’s the second problem that led me on this crusade for more useful sex advice. And I should warn you that this post is also half rant because I just can’t get over why the columnist would suggest something so… well just not useful, really. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out the ‘About’ page. Anyway:

Problem – I’m a 21 year old man and I am having trouble maintaining an erection. I have therefore become less confident around women and fear getting intimate with them.

Solution – It’s alright: some women don’t care that much about penetrative sex. Find someone like that, practise all sorts of other stuff with them and then hopefully you’ll feel more confident in the future and it won’t be such an issue.

Well now. Yes, I see what’s going on here. It’s a dodgy area, and we don’t want to pile more pressure on the lad, since we can reasonably assume it’s a psychological problem.

Intimacy (film)

Look at this film! Intimacy is a byword for sexy-good-times. Cocks in pussies. Although that looks anal to me. So whatevers in whatevers. You see my point.

Balls, more like. How is this useful advice? Yes, this is a difficult area, and no, we don’t want to exacerbate the problem, but we are never going to get anywhere if we keep perpetuating these frankly Victorian myths about women’s sexual responses. The myth – women are tender creatures who find penetration scary and would much rather spend the whole day being stroked with a feather and being breathed on, tenderly. The reality – women, for the most part, like having things in their pussy (not necessarily straight away, though, cowboy.) Gay ones, for instance, often use dildos, fingers, fists and the like. And it’s not because they secretly wish they were straight (although god knows enough moron men seem to believe this) but because it feels nice. This really isn’t hard. It feels nice for a lady to have stuff in her lady-parts. And what’s more is that after millions of years of evolution (or at least 10,000 years of cultural pressure, but we can discuss that another time) the sensation creates a sense of intimacy.

But wait, there’s more. Some men aren’t just sexual jack-hammers whose sole desire is to fuck as fast as possible until they come. Some men also like the feeling of intimacy they get when they’re having sex. OK, so it’s probably a small percentage like around 98% or something insignificant like that, but that’s still worthy of noting, I think.

And of course this is all just as true of gay men and everyone else on the planet. It’s nice to have something in a hole or be in a hole. It makes you feel close. God I’m romantic. Shove something in a hole. Feel the love. I should write a film. Anyway.

So here’s the problem. Having an functioning erection is really useful. It is preferable to not having a functioning erection. Both for pleasuring your partner, and for building a sense of intimacy. Yes, there are those who probably would prefer a man who wasn’t always trying to shove his cock in places, but I’m obliged to report that they are a small minority.

Now this isn’t to say it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of other ways of building intimacy and giving and receiving pleasure. A cock is just a useful tool and, without wishing to point out the blindingly obvious, the same lesbians that we discussed earlier are having a lovely old time. But to say to a 21 year old man that he should just find someone who doesn’t mind is just… well… baffling. It may sound childish but cocks are in fact important to men. Especially young ones. It’s a big part of how they judge their… manliness, I suppose. And on top of that, any 21 year old girl he comes across is probably going to take his lack of erection personally and think it’s her fault. She’ll try not to, but that’s what people are like. And this is a bad thing.

viagra is a commercial produced medicine conta...

Obviously.

And the solution isn’t complicated. Really I’m not a big fan of pharmaceuticals, but there is a time and a place, and this is the time and place for some Viagra. It’s expensive and hard to get hold of when you’re that age, but you can buy it illegally if necessary. And it is a worthwhile investment. He’s almost certainly just got himself all worked up after a drunken evening went wrong and now it’s eating away at him – the big V will sort him out, and if it doesn’t then he knows it’s something serious and he should go to the doctor. And I really mean ‘should.’ Not ‘might like to consider it.’

This guy has a problem. You can’t make the problem go away by just being nice about it. Own up to the problem. Say “Look I’m sorry, and I don’t want to make you feel worse, but actually having erectile dysfunction is a bit of a problem. It’s not insurmountable and there are worse problems, but it is still a problem. But look – here’s the bright side: there are plenty of possible solutions to this problem. Here – try this!” But this wishy washy stuff… GAH! It makes me so cross.

Sex is fundamental.

I’d like to reassure all our younger readers that if you do have these sorts of problems they are 90% certain to fall into one of the following two categories:

You have got yourself all worked up about it after a fumbled/drinken failure and are now scaring yourself limp. For this, take Viagra. After about 10 sessions (probably less) your confidence will come back and the problem will go away. Hurrah!

Spot The Ball

This would be exercise if this man had any friends. Sad face.

You are seriously unfit. Yup – there are actually some good reasons for being fit. I know that on the down side you might live longer, but you can always compensate with drinking too much. I know I do! Anyway, if you have Mr Floppy problems and you’re a bit unfit (that is not the same as fat, mind. I don’t care how thin you are, if you sit around all day your heart isn’t good at pumping and strenuous things like keeping a cock hard put stress on a body) then you can also take Viagra. However you will then find that when you don’t take it you go back to the same problem, so probably just easier to get down the gym or just take some long walks a few times a week.

Then some of you may just have physical issues before your time, or you may be one of our older readers. This is deeply unfair (as life often is) and really you should get yourself to the doctor immediately to see if there’s anything they can do for you. Seriously – some of that stuff is proper bionic.

But if they come up empty and surgery is beyond your budget or just frankly seems too extreme (which is understandable, although I still think what they can do is very cool) then there is in fact another option, and this is to completely embrace it. If you’re nervous about talking about it you are going to find that potential partners are confused or blame themselves when you get to that stage with them. So try to get in there first. Broach the subect on your second date. I know – it’s insane! Talk about sexual dysfunction on a second date!? Well, yes; I’m not saying categorically the second date. If you’re dating someone who is unlikely to be even thinking about sex until you’re married then maybe you’re jumping a bit too early. I’m just saying that you can talk about it before it actually becomes an issue.

Really, people are much more open about these things that you might think. And keep it general. Make it part of a story. “And then I had this really strange time with my famly and I lost so much sleep and became super-stressed and in the end it made me impotent!” It’s not actually that hard to say. On the other hand saying “I would love to take you home, but I’m afraid my cock doesn’t work that well… I could tie you up and make you come all night, though?” would also be pretty cool in the right circumstances. If you can seem confident about this, you’re going to seem like the most confident guy in the world, and confidence is aphrodisiac number 1. Not to be confused with arrogance, which inexplicably still seems to come in at number 2.

English: Vintage photograph of two intimate wo...

Look at these ladies! Not a cock in sight and they’re still both clearly multi-orgasmic…

So don’t be ashamed of it. Accept you’re a bit different and that you’re going to have to come up with different ways of developing intimacy. Get amazingly good at massage, fingering and oral sex. Buy a really good sex toy collection and learn how to use it. Become an expert dominant, or the most servile of subs. Excite their minds (and I really can’t believe I just said that) – learn how to tell the most amazing erotic stories. Because if there’s one thing that generates intimacy even more than sex, it’s orgasms. If you can get your partner coming again and again, they’re not going to mind about your cock.

I promise.

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Why won’t she play with my arse?

For the benefit of those who haven’t read my ‘informative’ rant/opening post on why I’m doing all this (click the ‘About’ menu item if you would like to) here is problem one as submitted to a British newspaper’s advice column:

Problem – I want to try putting things up my arse, and my girlfriend not only finds the idea distasteful, but also is now claiming that I must be gay, seems to have lost any sexual attraction for me, and is threatening to talk to her friends about it (many of whom I know.) I love her and would happily forget about the anal play, but I find her reaction disturbing.

And here is (a summary) of the columnist’s response:

Solution – If it’s not that important, why go on about it? You should tell her that you find her threat to tell her friends a breach of trust.

English: Moscow, Smolensk Embankment. Sculptur...

Say my name, bitch

This solution is as entirely valid as it is not useful. Let’s deconstruct the problem to find out what this guy is actually asking. In the future I may not always show my reasoning so thoroughly, but I want you see my methods. Try to look on me as the Sherlock Holmes of sexuality. Mainly because it appeals to my ego. You can be my Watson. Is it just me or in this context does that sound a bit suggestive? Anyway…

So this guy probably hasn’t just come up with this on the spur of the moment, or he wouldn’t be writing to ask for help about it. In fact he’s probably been doing stuff with his arse while masturbating for a considerable amount of time. Possibly even since he started masturbating in the first place. And, people being the obsessive sorts that they are, he may even have developed this into a bit of ritual to the extent that he finds orgasm considerably less satisfying unless it is coupled with bum play. It’s also worth mentioning that I don’t think that this is a manifestation of a desire to be submissive. If he were sub I suspect he wouldn’t have bought the subject up, and even if he had and was told no, would not then be pursuing this course of asking an external party for further advice. This is dangerous ground, however. So we must cover for it in our response.

So – this is not just a little ‘fun game’ that he’s come up with and thus should be content with forgetting about. This is a fairly fundamental aspect of his current sexuality. In short there’s no way he’ll forget about the anal-play. He may repress it, but it will lurk in the back of their relationship like a cancer. This shit needs resolution.

The girlfriend’s point of view is probably equally long-winded. Why is she reacting like this? Three main reasons spring to mind. The first is pretty obvious. Arseholes are dirty. Ick. Everyone knows that. Or, in short, social conditioning. Perhaps unexpectedly I don’t have a problem with social conditioning – it stops us having to think too much, and this can be useful. While that may sound sarcastic it’s actually not and I may even write something about this fundamental issue at some point. But in the mean time, onwards.

Issue two sounds like one of dominance. All this nonsense about his ‘being gay’ is quite a common reaction to this sort of thing. I suspect she doesn’t really mean gay; she really means less manly – we still live in a world where these two are equated all too often. This, too, is obviously nonsense, but this is how it is. This also fits in with why she has ‘lost all sexual attraction’ for him. Basically she wants her boyfriend to be the dominant partner in their sexual relationship (and no, I’m not necessarily talking about Shades of Grey here – I just mean in the sort of he’s on top sort of way) and is concerned that this indicates a more submissive side to his personality (i.e. being fucked) which generally turns her off. She’s also almost certainly quite young, as well, but then we all were once.

A woman wearing a strap-on dildo about to enga...

PANIC!!!

And third she’s probably scared shitless. Blow jobs. Done that. Sex. Done that. Knows what she’s doing and may even feel quite confident about those skills. What the fuck do you do with an arsehole? Is he going to expect me to lick it? How many fingers would I use? Do you fuck hard or gently? Should I wear gloves? And that’s before we even start to introduce things like dildos. And then there might be strap-ons… I MIGHT HAVE TO FUCK HIM! HOW THE HELL DO I DO THAT?

And this all explains why she’s threatening to tell her friends – he has put her in what she considers a very difficult situation, and so she threatens to do the same to him. It’s basically mutually assured destruction. Like a cold war. But with anuses.

It’s hard to say which of those elements is/are the most important, or maybe all three are deeply ingrained. The sub/dom thing is a massive subject, so we’re going to have to make some assumptions there, and since his question wasn’t really that useful, we also don’t actually know what this guy wants his girlfriend to do! Tie him down and fuck him with a strap on, indulge a little butt plug action while they’re having sex or something in between? So, in the absence of more data – situation: analysed.

So – on to my advice!

Dear Twitchy-sphincter,

This problem is not going away, but first consider whether you really want to be with this girl – her behaviour is quite childish and vindictive. If it is only the stress of this situation that has brought this about, that’s kind of understandable, but if she resorts to this sort of emotional and social blackmail all the time, are you sure she’s the girl for you?

But this isn’t useful – we all know you won’t dump her, because you love her. So…

You have quite a path ahead of you – I’d say you’re going to need about 6 months assuming you have sex 1-2 times a week. And don’t fool yourself – you are about to embark on a mission of subtly manipulating her. I personally don’t see this as morally reprehensible, but you need to be honest with yourself about that.

Massage in Frankfurt, Germany

Top tip – do not use a rose stem as an anal dildo.

First you need to deal with her social conditioning about bum-sex in general. Try to introduce her to the pleasures of her own arse. This is certainly not something that’s going to be a quick process. I would advise you start with oily back massages where you occasionally slide your finger down between her buttocks. Over time you can start to put gentle pressure on arsehole. Watch whether her body stiffens when you do this – this is a sign to back off. Back off, mind. Not give up. Over time hopefully she will get used to the feeling of your fingers gently pushing against her sphincter, but make sure you’re still just doing this as part of the overall massage. Don’t get obsessive. When she gets to the stage of parting her legs a little more to allow you to do it, then you can start to rub her clit gently with one hand, and with your other hand put your finger inside her arse just a little bit – literally just the length of your fingernail to start with. (And talking of nails keep them short. ALWAYS!)

To clarify again – this is not all in one session. I’m expecting this to take 20ish massage sessions just to get to this point. We are talking serious slowly slowly stuff here.

At this point you have both tacitly accepted that your finger is in her arse. You can now change your attitude from massage to masturbation, although my advice would be that you keep up the massage as your ‘entry’ to this sort of play until she is fully comfortable with it. You could perhaps change your position as well. While massaging you will probably be looking up her body from the leg end. For masturbation you might want to experiment with turning around so that you’re straddling her back and looking down her body towards her feet. You certainly don’t want to crush her, here, so bear in mind relative sizes and all that, but she may get an additional pleasure from feeling your weight on her. Again, try to be sensitive to her body indicating whether or not she’s enjoying this. No problem either way, and if she doesn’t seem to like it, don’t push it and just go back the other way. However, this information may be useful later!

Seriously – do you really want to have to go shopping for anything called ‘internal cream?’ Different fingers!

The goal now is for her to really enjoy herself while you are playing with her arse. You will improve the chances of this by making sure she is very turned on – long massage before hand, lots of gentle touching, stroking and teasing her clit. Devote half an hour to it if necessary. You may also want to alternate between fingering her arse and her vagina (but use different fingers… it’s not the end of the world if you don’t, but it’s not terribly hygienic, and can lead to thrush which is really no fun and requires someone buying some cream from the chemist which is embarrassing. So just… use different fingers) while she is getting used to all this. And keep it calm and gentle. Don’t get carried away.

Anyway, you don’t need to take all this to anal sex (although by this stage you might want to) but you probably do want to get to the stage where you are using some sort of dildo. I would again advise that you don’t put anything other than your fingers up there until you have got to the stage of her quite comfortably accepting at least two of your fingers more or less fully. At that stage perhaps you could move to a vibrator, but again – gently, gently is the key. Keep it small and non-threatening. She will want to look at it at some point.

If your girlfriend is the orgasmic type, you might want to seal the deal with a few anal orgasms before moving onto the next stage, but if she’s not you’re just going to have to play it by ear. Remember – the point of all this is for her to realise that the arse isn’t dirty and can be pleasurable.

So, next stage. One of the other reasons she’s probably against all of this is that she thinks you wanting things up your bum makes you less dominant. And in a way it does – you are becoming the ‘receiver’ rather than the giver. This puts a responsibility on her to both be in charge and, to an extent, know what she’s doing.

English: Sculpture from a temple at Khajuraho ...

This guy may be a little too possessive. In fact, what the fuck? Whose legs are those? And what’s with that child/monkey. Does it have tits? This photo is weird.

Now here’s an important question. Is being submissive a part of this for you? If so, you’re really going to have your work cut out. If it’s just the feeling of having something in your bum, that’s going to be a lot easier. Because it seems to me that your girlfriend quite wants you to be the ‘dominant’ partner in bed. This comes from a mixture of her attitude (finding you less attractive once she knew about your desires) and the simple fact that most straight women like their partners to be dominant in bed.

Now comes that piece of information from earlier – did she like being straddled? If she really did, that probably indicates that she not only wants you to be the more dominant partner, but she in turn wants to be more submissive herself. There is a subtle but big difference between wanting you to take control and her wanting to be submissive which I will probably explore in later posts. For the moment you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Prepare yourself for the bad news – if you want to be submissive: i.e. that feeling of being fucked and ‘used’ is important to you and she is naturally inclined to being submissive, too, you’re going to have to spend much longer than 6 months on this. You’ll need to roleplay with each other, building up her confidence in being in control, but then also swapping and taking control of the situation as well yourself, sometimes. It needs to be fair so that you both get what you want out of it. This is too large a topic for this post, but I assure you I will cover it at some point in the future.

However, I don’t think this is the case – my reading is that you just like having things in your arse. At this point she will probably be a lot more amenable to this idea just because of the fun that she’s now having with her own. Buy yourself a small butt plug and put it in. Try to encourage her to play with it gently while she gives you a blow/hand job – just any contact between her and the plug is what we’re after, no matter how skilled. And then always lots of positive reinforcement. Comments about how nice it feels. How well she does it. Make it personal. Tell her how good the orgasms are – how they’re the best you’ve ever had. How she makes you feel things you’ve never felt before. I know it sounds corny, and to an extent you may be slightly gilding the truth, but with confidence her technique will improve, and in the end these things will become true by virtue of her feeling good about what she’s doing. As she becomes more confident get a toy she can control a bit more – a vibrator or dildo. Encourage her to put it in for you. Again, try to keep the steps small and manageable.

Finally try out some sex as well. Try getting a larger plug and putting it in and then sitting cross-legged and having her straddle you facing you with her legs around you. The rocking backwards and forwards will be good for you and that position gives quite deep penetration for her, too. Maybe she might even like a plug in her arse at the same time…

And now you really are on a roll. I hope you found this useful, and good luck!

So there we are. That’s what I would have said. Rather tragic that the guy who originally wrote the question will probably never see this post but who knows – it might come in handy for some other lost soul who comes across it on google…

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So… What?

Yesterday I ‘accidentally’ clicked on one of the pieces of agony aunt advice on the site of a major British national newspaper. By ‘accidentally’ I mean that I couldn’t resist clicking on the link that said something along the lines of “my girlfriend doesn’t want to indulge my fetish for inserting things into my anus during sex” or something similar. I had just finished the crossword, and this was one of the ‘most read’ items down the side bar. Seriously. Most read. Who wouldn’t have clicked?

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I discovered what all this ‘most reading’ had actually led me to. And imagine, if you will, the disappointment of all my fellow readers who had clicked on the link to promote it to the heady heights of most ‘most read’ (it was the top link.) And finally imagine the disappointment of anyone (and this is probably a larger-than-you-would-imagine fraction of the above) who actually wanted some useful advice on the subject of encouraging anal play with an uncertain partner when we clicked and discovered (it is slightly paraphrased mainly to avoid copyright) this:

Problem – I want to try putting things up my arse, and my girlfriend not only finds the idea distasteful, but also is now claiming that I must be gay, seems to have lost any sexual attraction for me, and is threatening to talk to her friends about it (many of whom I know.) I love her and would happily forget about the anal play, but I find her reaction disturbing.

Solution – If it’s not that important, why go on about it? You should tell her that you find her threat to tell her friends a breach of trust.

And now I’m intrigued. I can’t resist clicking on another choice item from the same stable. Click.

Problem – I’m a 21 year old man and I am having trouble maintaining an erection. I have therefore become less confident around women and fear getting intimate with them.

Solution – It’s alright: some women don’t care that much about penetrative sex. Find someone like that, practise all sorts of other stuff with them and then hopefully you’ll feel more confident in the future and it won’t be such an issue.

At this point you may be wondering what my problem is.
Issue 1 is probably a communication issue so communicate. Fair enough.
Issue 2 is probably a confidence issue, so try not to put further pressure on and the problem will hopefully go away. With you there.

My problem is that this isn’t useful advice.

Practising clinical sexual psychotherapists (and it always is one doing these columns) say all this stuff because it’s what they say in their private sessions and they say that because it’s what they’ve been taught in sexual psychotherapist school. However – these people know little about sex. They may well know a lot about psychology, but they also have a duty to behave professionally and all that Hippocratic stuff because they are doctors.

And then there’s the concept of modern romance. This attitude that sex is just a bonus to being in a relationship is nonsense! Sex can be fundamental. Sex is something that can completely alter the course and quality of a relationship. It certainly seems to be true that for some people it can just be taken or left, but for others sexual compatibility can be the most important aspect of their partner.

This is not shallow. This is not something to be ashamed of. This is perfectly normal, since sex is the driving force of evolution itself. It comes ever so slightly below water and oxygen as a need for most people. The ability to sit down and enjoy the same film or the same book or the same music, or have a nice chat about international politics – are these fundamental human drives? Why has the modern world chosen to label these things as the bases of relationships? Yes, they’re nice, but has millions of years of natural selection driven us to obsess about them in ways we can barely comprehend (thus requiring the assistance of the aforementioned sexual psychotherapist)?

I mean – what’s a sexual psychotherapist anyway? I can understand why they might exist to try to rehabilitate serial rapists and paedophiles but why do they exist for consultation with us, the general public? It is exactly because sexual compatibility is seen as an afterthought to our relationships that we have to go to see these people to ‘cure’ us, or aid us in communicating with our partners about what we want. If it was considered acceptable to say on your second date ‘Actually I’ve got a bit of a thing for cross dressing – would you be cool with this?’ it would save a lot of effort in the long run. But instead we hide it and hope that at some point in 6 months once we’re feeling a bit more confident in our relationship that we can start to gently introduce our less ‘normal’ tastes into our sex lives.

I’ve just had a thought. Bear with me.

Right. I’ve just done the eHarmony registration process. It took an hour, and I made quick decisions about my personality type and I type pretty fast, too, so that gives you an idea of how in depth it is. For what it’s worth, it looks like a pretty good site – easy, thoughtful, and my ‘matches’ seemed like they might be the sort of people I would like.

But it only mentioned sex twice. ‘Is sex important to you’ and ‘Is sexual compatibility with your partner important to you?’

Now I understand why it’s like that – the world must now cater to the lowest common denominator. There are some potential clients of eHarmony who if they were asked about what they were into sexually would immediately stop the sign-up process on the basis that they didn’t want to be part of a site that asked them such personal questions. There are probably some who can’t even answer the two sex questions that they currently have without feeling violated.

But surely our attitudes to sex are more important and varied than this? I would happily join a dating site that asked me all about what my fetishes were, how dominant or submissive I was, whether I was into anal sex, oral sex, ‘watersports,’ whatever. Now I realise I’m not normal, so while I think that actually that would make quite a great niche website, it’s probably not a world beater. But surely a bit more information would be useful on a relationship site. Just a rating from 1-5 on whether you are conservative or adventurous in bed. Or maybe even a separate section on sex which you can optionally fill in afterwards (there are lots of bits like that on eHarmony, but no sex bit…)

So – back to my original point. These attitudes towards sex and the need for the professionals to act professionally mean that these advice columns don’t actually say anything useful. Which is where I come in.

I am not a doctor. And, though I say so myself, I also know quite a lot about sex. I’m also quite ‘kinky’, have had my share of sexual dysfunction and have been lucky enough to have some partners who share my interest in all of this, and have had some other partners with who it has been more of a process to find the sexual sweet spot. And on top of all that, I’m not too shabby at what I like to call ‘practical psychology’ which is basically a nice way of saying ‘getting what I want.’

And that’s what qualifies me to write this blog.

If you have a problem with sex – anything at all – I will either give you some useful advice or throw my hands up and admit that, as far as I can tell, you’re screwed. I won’t judge you on anything sexual, but I also won’t worry about hurting your feelings. I will probably also throw in fun anecdotes from my own experiences and may even do a few instructional pieces if I get lots of the same questions. And I’ll even try to do it with some humour.

Obviously I’m not always going to have that much information to work with, so there will be many assumptions, sweeping generalisations, and I’m sure there will be quite a few comments that are going to get me labelled a misogynist or man-hater depending on the sort of thing I’m saying at the time. And clearly I can’t guarantee results, but I can give you a direction to try or some sort of chance to resolve your problem beyond just repressing it or hoping it goes away.

So if you’re ready, click on the Ask A Question link and we’ll get started. In the meantime I’m going to cover the two issues that we’ve already discussed and that will comprise my next 2 posts….

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